Compassion Is Not Controlling

Compassion requires you to attend and listen to others and the situation acutely and act in a way that would make a difference. Making a difference means your actions could lead to less suffering and more joy now and in the future for that person. 

Compassion requires a lot of skills, like profound listening, genuine caring, and empathetically entering into the other’s existence. If you want to do something that can help, you have to understand what caused this situation as understood by the other person. You have to be patient when you provide information. You have to provide information that can be easily understood within their framework of experience and can help them suffer less and have more joy. 

Now, you don't have to go all the way and make sure they actually suffer less and have more joy. That's asking too much. They need to want to do it. You only give good information skillfully and the outcome is left to them. 

It's important that you don’t try to control what's going to happen. If you try to control, the other person will lose their intentionality in bringing change in themselves. It can't be forced from the outside. You can't even persuade, because persuasion has power and force to it. When you are asked for advice, you can only point to and give advice that is skillful within the dynamic of your relationship with them.

[From talks given on December 29 2022]